Thursday, 23 April 2015

A new menace on the streets of west London

So, I am learning to drive. My rather lovely instructor took me on when I was heavily pregnant with the latest eenie weenie. He tactfully suggested we save reversing for when I was able to turn round.

He's remarkably calm given that he is teaching a cyclist who started lessons at the age of 31 while hormonal and irrational with no previous experience. There were long gaps in my tuition when I gave birth and then for months when I had no babysitting plan.

I know my instructor is a churchgoing man, so I have managed to avoid swearing until yesterday. There were a few muted "bloody, crappy poo"'s going on on some sharp bends, but I was doing well. That is until a guy on a recumbent bike ignored the obligation to give way as I turnd into his road and shot out in front of the car. I believe my exact words were "What a fucking nobhead".

Oh the shame. A churchgoing man whose only signs of panic is to call me "mate" a lot when I'm about to run into things (ie "Ummm, bit close to the bush there mates, the bush, the bushes mate, mates, the BUSHES"). Not only that, but a bike was the source of my swearing.

Who am I? What have I become? Will I start wearing ugly sports jackets, putting emphasis on random syllables and punching people who refuse to bring me steak?

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Why do I fucking bother?

Ah, the Natural History Museum.

I've been a few times, with mixed results. I first did it hideously hungover after my first night out post baby number two. I felt rough, baby was about three months and toddler was hugely excited. I negotiated the various buses, trains, escalators etc alone whole towing a buggy.

We checked the buggy in and for two hours I carried the baby in my hippy sling and held hands with a running toddler. We did the dinosaurs twice ("But I must see the big dinosaur again mummy, I MUST"), the human biology bit ("That man is NAKED mummy! I can see his willy and it's big like daddy's! Look mummy, LOOK!"), the mammals and the creepy crawlies. Suffice to say I was fucking knackered by the time we got home.

Husband tactfully says nothing about my appearance, which is sweaty, unkempt and includes the haunted look of a woman who has worked very hard not to kill any of the arseholes occupying the tube on the way home. Instead, he turns to toddler and asks the very reasonable question "What did you do today?". I preened, surely a glowing report of the day was forthcoming, I was ready to bask in the praise of clever mummy taking the boys out and the fun we had.

Toddler, pulled a thoughtful expression... And then looked doleful.

"Nothing daddy, it was a very boring day."

"But I thought you saw dinosaurs?"

"Yes, but they were too scary and I didn't like them."

This exchange was followed by a pained sigh of regret and a look of disappointment in my direction.

I nearly combusted with barely contained rage. How very dare he?! Nothing? Fucking nothing? Aaaaaaaargh!

We went again the other day with my sister and niece. This time toddler ran off, he was rude, there were tantrums, there was drama and it was a bloody nightmare.

On both occasions my overwhelming feeling was "Why do I bother?"

However, every time I do these things, no matter the disappointment expressed at home, it would appear that toddler gives glowing reports at nursery of our days out. He recounts in great detail the dinosaur robot that roared just at him, the enormous whale that is high, high up in the air, the bones everywhere.

So it would appear that I bother simply to provide my son with anecdotes for friends and for others to hear about the fun we've had.

Oh well, at least I must look overachieving and smug to any other parents who hear of our exploits, excellent.

Saturday, 24 January 2015

My toddler uses the iPad, call social security services

So, recently a friend asked for suggestions for apps for her toddler to use on her iPad. It's was mere seconds before someone criticised her for merely asking.

Take your child to a library, came the cry, if you're going to do something with your child (and children MUST be supervised on said iPad), do something active and creative. The person who expressed this made it clear that she did active things and NEVER allowed her darlings near an iPad.

Oh do cock off.

It's not that I don't love a good judging session, but I fucking love our iPad. Won while I was pregnant with our now three year old, I surfed the web on it while breastfeeding and said toddler now loves an occasional game on it. The Cbeebies app is a particularly good distraction if I'm attempting to do housework, feeding the baby, or just fancy a cup of coffee without being nagged for two sodding minutes.

I also do many exciting things with my children, we go to groups, see friends, visit various child friendly attractions, play "Find mummy's phone and I'll give you chocolate" and various other super worthy activities. I fail to see how the occasional use of technology will undo all this.

So bugger off with your judgemental and self righteous attitude. Get a grip, or an iPad.